Life's a Beach 2

[TalesofUnder]

A Frosty from Wendy's is like goat vomit compared to the French ice cream maker Sauvageon.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE AN ASS OF MY BELOVED FROSTY?! I SHOULD CARVE YOU UP LIKE A ROAST HAM!

(Shamspeare slips briefly out of his Shakespearean dialect. You can briefly hear his real voice, which sounds sort of like a British Agent 47... if that makes sense.)

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

Just okay? Just okay?! You seriously cannot tell me that those paper plates you call cookies are better tasting than this! It's unfathomable. Anyone can make those drug cookies. A first-grader can do so. If you only knew the skill and precision it took to make this ice cream, you would have so much appreciation for it, you'd be begging to bathe in it!

After which he turns to Shamspeare...

Frosties are horrible, get over it! he says, blowing his smoke in his face now. He snaps his fingers and the staff serves Shamspeare the ice cream.

Try this and see what I mean!

[Kennifer]

Julia tastes some of the ice cream.

"It's really quite good, sure. I prefer pineapple in my ice cream though. There's a little mom and pop place near campus that makes a pineapple-coconut ice cream that's my favorite..."

...she's gonna finish eating it anyway.

[TalesofUnder]

I SPIT ON YOUR FANCY ICE CREAM! I am only choosing to consume it as a courtesy! (...gah. I'm falling into the same habit as that fool, Soseki.)

(Shamspeare grabs a plastic spoon and digs in, ready to fashion the spoon into a shiv if it fails to live up to his standards.)

[Cassie]

"...I don't like this." Eren says after eating his portion of ice cream.

[Caret]

Steve has meanwhile wandered off to somewhere else. His would-be customers clearly hate him, but he has to find a way to gain fame and draw the attention of Spamton himself, even if he acquires said fame through infamous deeds.

But first, he has to find somewhere to let out some steam.

> what's the spa like?

[Oggy123]

A small, spherical orange creature appears.

"I'm here!"

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

Bah! Go drink that goat vomit then! You just don't appreciate ice cream! At least the girl gets it! Personally I don't really do fruit in ice cream, but someone appreciates it!

Meanwhile at The Spa

The spa itself is also quite extravagant. Complete with a steam room, a nice large hot tub to sit and relax your worries away in and several masseuses at the guests' beck-and-call. All of them German, with the techniques that can really dig deep into the muscles, it might scare some people at first, but is actually quite relaxing.

[Oggy123]

Bandana Dee then approaches the others.

"This place is neat! Not bad if you ask me... Anyway, i'm Bandana Waddle Dee."

[Cassie]

...

Oh god you attacked Eren with words.

"WHY'D YA CALL IT GOAT VOMIT THAT'S INACCURATE THE GOATS DON'T REGURGITATE IT OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS!!!"

He just runs off in pain.

[Caret]

Steve shoves his way into the tub, still fully clothed.

<Ooh la la!!!!> The spa's a <Wonderous Place> to <Need to Relax Your Muscles? Do It Here!> <WARNING: Water Exposure at 100%> Ignoring... done!

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

...

Oh god you attacked Eren with words.

"WHY'D YA CALL IT GOAT VOMIT THAT'S INACCURATE THE GOATS DON'T REGURGITATE IT OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS!!!"

He just runs off in pain.

Go to a good school system, maybe you won't be so literal minded!

[Dookie]

Dawn watches from behind everyone.

“Washington's not as fancy as he seems, is he?”

[PointMaid]

Snakeweed nods.

More expensive doesn't always mean better. Sometimes it just means you can get people to pay more for it. I'm familiar with that.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

Dawn watches from behind everyone.

“Washington's not as fancy as he seems, is he?”

I probably know more than you do! I haven't lived my entire life in filth like the pig you are!

[Zanreo]

Then, a girl with long, blue tentacle-like hair appears from the water... had she just been swimming this whole time?

"Hahaha! This place will be perfect for my new invasion!"

[Dookie]

Dawn watches from behind everyone.

“Washington's not as fancy as he seems, is he?”

I probably know more than you do! I haven't lived my entire life in filth like the pig you are!

“I haven't lived my life in filth, just the better part of it.”


“See, I was once like you. I designed clothing and thought money was the best thing in the world. Then, on a plane I was taking to an important party, it crashed and we were never found. I lived ever since on this island, using nothing but what I had at the time, the plane's remains, and what this island had to offer. Have I kept myself unkempt? Yes. Do I look wildly different then I used to? Yes. Am I dirty and unclean? Yes. But that's what happens when you've been here for a while. This island changes you for the better. In fact, Washington, I think if you embraced it, it would change you too.”

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

GWC laughs at Dawn in a mocking tone.

And why would I do that for? I manage to keep myself nice and cool in the summers, warm in the harsh winters, keep myself totally comfortable and fully nourished. And seeing everything that I've bought with my own money. The feeling of satisfaction I've gotten when I've earned it myself. And you know, I lived in filth myself when I was younger. I lived in a beat-up house, and I was the middle child out of 8 kids. My mother and father were all just lazy bums living off welfare checks. They didn't have what it takes to make themselves better because they didn't want it bad enough. And us kids all suffered as a result. And I fell into hard times. Went to jail a couple times. But I found the sports agency world and got into boxing. I represented all kinds of clients before I made a name of myself and I only started representing the very best. Because that's what nets you the cash. Cash that I have earned myself marketing talents such as Big Louie Johnson, who I led to win the Heavyweight Title at the highest-drawing boxing Pay-Per-View event. I made millions and which is why I'm making a name for myself doing real estate. Start a few high-rises and work your way up to the greatest vacation resort there is. And I've fought tooth and nail to get where I am. But you. You could have fought your way back to a better life instead of remaining content in wallowing in this pool of mediocrity. I almost pity you.

[Dookie]

GWC laughs at Dawn in a mocking tone.

And why would I do that for? I manage to keep myself nice and cool in the summers, warm in the harsh winters, keep myself totally comfortable and fully nourished. And seeing everything that I've bought with my own money. The feeling of satisfaction I've gotten when I've earned it myself. And you know, I lived in filth myself when I was younger. I lived in a beat-up house, and I was the middle child out of 8 kids. My mother and father were all just lazy bums living off welfare checks. They didn't have what it takes to make themselves better because they didn't want it bad enough. And us kids all suffered as a result. And I fell into hard times. Went to jail a couple times. But I found the sports agency world and got into boxing. I represented all kinds of clients before I made a name of myself and I only started representing the very best. Because that's what nets you the cash. Cash that I have earned myself marketing talents such as Big Louie Johnson, who I led to win the Heavyweight Title at the highest-drawing boxing Pay-Per-View event. I made millions and which is why I'm making a name for myself doing real estate. Start a few high-rises and work your way up to the greatest vacation resort there is. And I've fought tooth and nail to get where I am. But you. You could have fought your way back to a better life instead of remaining content in wallowing in this pool of mediocrity. I almost pity you.

“But look where you are now! I bet the poor you wasn't gloating about his earnings, having $100 bills as his wallpaper. Money's made you selfish. I honestly hope you don't make it off this island alive. Because then we can put your money to good use.”

She spits on a wall, not admiring the earnings of GWC as much as he was.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

I can see why you would want to kill me. You're just like everyone else; jealous of what I have. Such a sad state, really. You envy someone for what they have and want to take it away from them unfairly. Like, really. But you're even wanting to risk killing off these poor little vacationers just to get me off the island? Don't you think that's a little low?

[Dookie]

I can see why you would want to kill me. You're just like everyone else; jealous of what I have. Such a sad state, really. You envy someone for what they have and want to take it away from them unfairly. Like, really. But you're even wanting to risk killing off these poor little vacationers just to get me off the island? Don't you think that's a little low?

“Well at least I actually treat people like people, and not like trash. You've shown yourself to these people that you don't care about anything but your stash! Not your employees, not your fans, not the people here, nobody. And if some innocent people have to die to make you suffer, so be it. I don't even want the island anymore. I just HATE YOU.”

She continues to help herself to the amenities of GWC's mansion.

[Caret]

Steve has meanwhile returned from the bath at his spa.

"Aww! Kids, can we tell <Rocky> and <Mrs. Robinson Cruise> to resolve their differences with <Tender Loving Care>??? NO! That <Tastes Like Diabetes>!!! Resolve your <Bitter Infighting> yourselves with <Blue's Friendship School> and <Tough Guys and Gals Only>!!!"

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

GWC growls in anger over what she just told him before he has his staff throw everyone out, Dawn, the vacationers, all of them.

GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

The staff shoves everyone outside.

You wanna play this game, Dawn? Fine! I'll have you and your people killed! As will I have my own personal enemies killed too! But if by some chance these plebs fail and I end up dying, I will burn everything down, money and all, so you don't get your trashy hands on it! Now, everyone, go and enjoy the rest of the island. Just keep out of my mansion or I'll have you all shot!

He secures the mansion and slams the door. Looks like everyone here wore out their hospitality.

[Risdio51]

"Shame. No matter. Columbo, at least tell me my cabin."

[Huney]

Yuffie exits her hut with a yawn, looking over everyone present.

"Dang, kicked out? Rough. So like... some of us are killers? What if we just... didn't kill, and we just sat around in peace? Is that cool too?"

"Asking you guys cuz the Shinra hog isn't here anymore, on account of kicking you guys out."