The Magical Vending Machine

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

You get a hot tub.

I insert a filmstrip.

[ThatIdiotMan]

You get a vintage camcorder.

I insert a shoe.

[NoahStratos]

You get a Goomba's Shoe.

I insert two dozen eggs and Magallan.

[Despair's Archon of Memes]

You get Pingu and a copy each of Happy Feet and Happy Feet 2. And Surf's Up.

I insert 100 billion dollars.

[a-boy-playing-with-rubiks]

You get a Zimbabwean trillion dollar bill.


I add a car, a Chad from the memes, and a bottle of essential oils.

[Cassie]

You get a smelly mess of metal, blood, flesh, and essential oils.

I insert a tesseract.

[PointMaid]

You get a copy of Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle In Time. The book, not the movie.

I insert an empty handbag.

[josh6243]

You get a nicer Gucci handbag.

I insert a photo of SCP-914.

[a-boy-playing-with-rubiks]

You get a grandfather clock.



I insert a plastic straw.

[Kennifer]

You get a more environmentally friendly reusable metal straw.

I insert six strawberry jelly beans.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

You get an entire strawberry garden.

I insert a ball of yarn.

[Despair's Archon of Memes]

You get a nicely knit sweater. And a cat. Aww...

I insert lamp oil, rope, and bombs.

[PointMaid]

You get a basket-woven, bomb powered rocket. Somehow.

I insert a lightbulb.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

You get an entire set of stadium lights.

I insert bacon.

[josh6243]

You get crunchy pork bellies prepared several ways by Guga Foods.

I insert medium-rare dry-aged steak.

[NoahStratos]

You get a Blizzard Buffalo on fire.

I insert Yuzhong and Fabsol.

[a-boy-playing-with-rubiks]

You get woman hell-fighters.




I put in a 2-dollar bill.

[josh6243]

You get a ticket to a museum for rare currency.

I insert a commission I recently bought into the machine.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

You get a full six-season TV series based on your commission.

I insert spinach.

[Cassie]

You get lettuce.

I insert a breakfast sausage.

[a-boy-playing-with-rubiks]

You get wurst.



I insert some fresh-clean underwear.

[Kennifer]

You get the underpants gnomes from that one episode of South Park.

I insert a losing scratch-off lottery ticket.

[PointMaid]

You receive a winning ticket!... although only enough of the numbers match for a low-level payoff.

I insert a damaged pair of headphones.

[Despair's Archon of Memes]

You get a mess of wires and speakers... Along with a set of fixed earphones and a case of wireless earpods.

I... Don't insert anything. I instead choose to hit the machine as hard as I can.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

The machine tips over on top of you and you're crushed to death underneath.

I insert the crushed corpse of Despair's Archon of Memes.