The Magical Vending Machine

[Superjohn 2.0]

The machine gives you the 1931 Dracula movie.


I insert a DVD player.

[Despair's Archon of Memes]

The machine starts spitting out DVDs of random films you've never heard of.

Um... Uh... Press random keys on the machine's keypad!

[Clancy]

The machine turns you into Freakazoid.

I insert a casino token.

[Whistle]

You receive a "Please Gamble Responsibly" note. You open it, and it says, "Don't gamble."

I insert TV Tropes.

[NoahStratos]

You get a piece of paper that is the V Incident event of the TVT HGS.

I insert a vintage refrigerator and a gallon of milk.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

You get a milkman from the 1950s.

I insert a school yearbook.

[Cassie]

You get a bunch of notebooks that you used back during school.


I dream of the machine.

[NoahStratos]

You get a white mask with a smiley face on it. Hmm....

I insert a Multishot III Enchanted Book and a SPAS-12. The shotgun, not the T-Doll.

[josh6243]

You get the Spread Shot rifle from the Contra series.

I insert Nick Bruiser from Super Punch-Out

[TenOfSwords13]

You receive an unconscious Nick Bruiser.

I insert a bolt of lightning.

[Kennifer]

You receive... a Pikachu? Aww.

I insert a buy one get one free coupon for frozen dinners.

[Clancy]

You got frozen dinners. Guess it worked.

I insert eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, tongue of dog, adder's fork, blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg and owlet's wing,

[josh6243]

You get Homestar Runner with some "Witches Bru".

I insert a Spotify playlist.

[Kennifer]

You get an MP3 player full of obscure songs.

I insert a bottle of purple hair dye.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

You get yourself a nice purple afro wig.

I insert a pair of jeans.

[Cassie]

You get apple bottoms.

I pour lye and thermite into the machine.

[josh6243]

The vending machine blows up. It is immediately replaced by another vending machine.

I insert SCP-963 into the vending machine.

[Clancy]

You get Doctor Bright! This can only end badly.

I insert Jeremy Bentham's mummified head into the vending machine.

[TenOfSwords13]

You receive Jeremy Bentham's unmummified head and it's screaming at you

I insert an milk.

[Kennifer]

You get an cheese.

I insert a pirate hat.

[Mr. Lee Hammer]

You get Jack Sparrow.

I insert the entire Nicolas Cage film collection.

[Clancy]

You get one single film, created by the vending machine to have the optimal concentration of Nicholas Cage. Be careful while watching, lest you be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of ham!

I insert a hedonic calculus. (Look it up!)

[josh6243]

You get a book full of Bentham's writings. How philosophical.

I insert a USB stick containing a copy of SNES9X, a scan of On Liberty by John Stuart Mill and a ROM of Kaizo Mario World

[NoahStratos]

You get a Pokey.

I insert Asphodene from Terraria: The Stars Above and a box full of light novels.

[Despair's Archon of Memes]

You get immediately crushed/ran over by a truck that the machine (somehow) creates. Enjoy your new isekai adventure!

I insert an entire pizza. The works. With everything. And I do mean... EVERYTHING.