ATUHORS' NOSE: 😁

The Hare and the Pineapple is a memetic short story by Daniel Pinkwater, the best-known version of which can be read here. (This version is, we're told, so heavily edited as to no longer meaningfully resemble Pinkwater's original work in any way, but it is the one with which we, and we expect most readers, are familiar.) We really have no words about it other than "incredible".

The Murderverse remains a collaborative work between a whole bunch of people including ourself, and the best place to begin looking into it would be the TC thread probably.

The glowing pink figure drifted through the abandoned campus, occasionally waving a hand at a mess and making it vanish. Don't know what I'm going to do with a clean campus, but never mind...

"Don't want to go back to the hotel yet," she muttered. "Certainly not going to summon people for another murdergame..." She let out an exasperated shout and swiped toward the wreckage of the chemistry lab, tearing it to pieces and vanishing the pieces. "So what am I going to do?! Just drift around this place by myself endlessly?! Ugh, I could've at least bounced ideas off the other one, if he hadn't gone and exploded! What was up with that, anyway!?"

She summoned a floating flicker of smoky pink flame and examined it intently before snuffing it out. "... It's not enough yet. I have to do something. ... Maybe I can bring him back? Hells, I am a domain holder, I should be able to do that here."

She took a breath and held her hands out, pulling together magical energy that coalesced into a crackling vortex... and then solidified into the form of... a pineapple?

She stared.

"I have every question right now."

"You think you have questions, lightbulb lady?" the pineapple responded.

"... And it's talking," she said, completely thrown off. "Have I finally snapped, then?"

"Judging by the state of your house, I'm gonna guess so," the pineapple said.

"This isn't..." She shook her head. "Whatever. Do I even need to keep this place? I can make a new one if I have to."

"Might be a good plan, this place looks like a total writeoff—"

"You are not the first obnoxious piece of fruit I've somehow accidentally summoned," the headmistress interrupted, "so just be aware that I already know how to handle such things."

"... Shutting up now."

"Right. So..." She waved her hand across the landscape, wiping away the buildings and leaving nothing but a big flat plain. "I'm sure I'll use this place for something in future, even if everything else has outlived its usefulness. ... I don't suppose you have any suggestions up your sleeve?"

"Not sure if you noticed, but I'm a pineapple," the pineapple said. "I don't even have sleeves."

"... Right." She picks up the pineapple. "You know, by all rights I should be making you into pina coladas."

"Whoa, whoa! I read the coffee shop fic, you're not cool with killing anymore!"

"Excuse you, but what I'm not 'cool with' is murdergames. I am still a hunter." She glared at the fruit.

... and sighed. "Whatever. A talking pineapple is a novelty worth keeping around. I'll... set you on the front desk as a greeter, or something."

"A greeter, not a sprinter?"

The headmistress stared at the pineapple in absolute bafflement. "You don't even have limbs."

"Never stopped me before!"

"Your options are greeter or pina colada."

"Greeter it is."

Commissioned by KiraHeartilly. If you're interested in commissioning a fic for yourself, check out this page. I also have a Patreon.

... Yeah, this one's Murderverse canon too, why not.