12-25-2021, 00:00:38 AM
Alright everybody. Ah've found a replacement, who's payin' for mah tropical ski trip. Now y'all say hi to them here. Bandu or somethin'. He's the new media guy. An' for Jameson... Well, our media team needed practice with feat-markin' editin', so here's the footage.
On the screen, a video begins to play.
J. Jonah Jameson has been replaced by Bandu.
Y'all may continue.
On the screen, a video begins to play.
The ABCs
"ADVANCED BICYCLE COMBAAAAAAT!" the narrator shouts as a dronecam pans over a desert landscape. Why it's in a desert is unclear, the nearest desert is a long way away indeed. "In this desert, the Alliance's finest soldiers gather to engage in the MOST IMPORTANT SKILL EVER!!!" an explosion wipe cuts the view to a group of people standing in a line next to bicycles. Presumably they're the "finest soldiers". The show goes on in a mildly engaging manner, with the soldiers slowly bicycling past targets while holding guns, and cameras jump cutting to the targets being shot. After sixteen minutes, the final event starts, with another explosion wipe. Jameson is tied to a pole, a large spider perched on his face in the desert sun. The soldiers slowly cycle past, each taking their shot, generic western showdown music playing as Jameson writhes in pain. At the end, there's a camera flash wipe, and a black and white picture of Jameson's corpse with the spider still on his face is shown against a black background with the caption "Picture of Spider, Man". Then the scores are counted, and the winner gets a medal, the fact that someone was just shot to death being completely glossed over.
J. Jonah Jameson has been replaced by Bandu.
Y'all may continue.