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[Mr. Lee Hammer]

Guys, I need your help! My girlfriend Baby Doll Felicity has been kidnapped by the Russian Mafia. Guess they're still mad at us over whacking Sidorov. They're demanding I give them a billion dollars. I'm not gonna cave to them! But I will ask that you all rescue her.... please. Here are the tasks:

1. Arm yourself well and/or find an army to help.
2. Find out where Felicity is being kept.
3. Fight your way through and kill as many as those Russian Mafia members as you can that are holding her hostage.
4. Rescue Felicity and bring her back to my mansion safe and sound.
5. Get the Russian Mafia back by raiding one of their own main bases.

The deadline will be on Tuesday, September 14 at 6:00 PM CST.

1. Snult? Snult. Escargoon rallies up all the cult members, arms 'em with weapons, bada bing bada boom.

Hmph. They come in handy after all.

2. Escargoon and his, well, goons all pile into a van, one of the cult members acting as a chauffeur. They all search known locations and gather intel from locals (via intimidation). Once a location is found? Drive there. In the middle of the night, of course.

3. The cult members can do all the fighting, alongside some sentries Escargoon whipped up and brought along. Escargoon controls the sentries from a distance. Russian Mafia members who survive get temporarily knocked out with a soundwave machine, also built by Escargoon.

4. Hope she enjoys van rides, 'cause she's riding in the back of the van with Escargoon and a bunch of weird guys who worship a snail.

5. Escargoon and his snult get more information out of locals (with more intimidation!), as well as any info from any surviving members of whatever the fuck just happened in step 3. Using that, they all track down the main base. Step 3 is repeated here. Boom, baby! Also some of the cult members steal stuff they found in the base.

Escargoon has rolled a 9, 7, 3, 1 and 1 for a total of 21 points.

1.      You manage to gather all your Snult members, which have grown in number ever since the Snurch started and are looking to expand their reaches outside of Crunch City, so you can have even more at your disposal. And you arm them all with machine guns, shotguns, grenades, bazookas. The Snult is completely well-armed and numerous. You got yourself a nice army to rival that of Tropico.

2.      Your intimidation works as you gather your army into the van and quickly head over there into the night, armed to the teeth and numbers on your side. But how will that aid you? We shall see.

3.      The bad news is the Russians are prepared for the Snult. You all do what you can to fight, but they destroy the sentries and a good number of your Snult get wiped out. They too have numbers on their side and they're winning the battle.

4.      As you drive off in the van, with Felicity and the surviving Snult members in tow, a Russian care quickly catches up with you and quickly runs you off a cliff, sending the van tumbling down some rocks and crashing hard below. Being a gelatinous form, you make it out with quite a few injures, but you're alive otherwise. But the rest of them? The Snult members, even Felicity herself, were all killed in the crash. You try to get them all to rise up, but corpses aren't very responsive.

5.      Without the numbers on your side, the intimidation doesn't work, but you do find the base. And what happens? It's a trap! As you approach, several large salt shakers appear and toss salt all over you, making your skin bubble and burn as it chews away your body due to dehydration. You lie in agony as you start to melt away into a purply goo. The paramedics arrive and take you to ICU. You do recover, but all at the cost of the mission.