The Write Stuff (The Writing Thread)

[CrystalMemoria]

I wrote a thing about Xicaih (Nobody Aichi ala Kingdom Hearts) a while back, and I just remembered it.

Xicaih places each card in front of him on his desk, carefully looking them over.

“...”

Every single one is how he remembers. Not a single one is scuffed or bent. They're all just… perfectly fine.

That's a good thing, right? At least, looking back on it, he imagines it being the case…

He raises a hand to where his heart should be, looking down towards his chest.

He'd be smiling if he had a heart, right? Xicaih can't help but sigh, a little… confused. He has all of these memories of his, ones he knows… but none of them strike a cord anymore… It's like he's been completely separated from him, and it's something that he hates.

If he were real… If he had a heart… Would it be different…? Would the smiles he remembers in his memories spring to life? Would those moments in which he spent time with all of those people, the people that he thought of as friends mean something again?

He begins gathering his cards up once more, shuffling them. Even if they don't give him the feelings like his memories imply they should, he still wants them around. Looking back on those memories, he would say they're precious to him, right?

...Yeah, that's right. These cards, especially Blaster Blade, are precious to him. It would probably sound insane that a Nobody thinks that cards are ‘precious’, but Xicaih would like to think they are precious.

Or at least he'll tell himself that. Maybe if he imagines it enough, it'll be true. After all, imagination is his strength, right? Kai said something like that long ago to him, back when he had a heart. He remembers things changed after that was said to him, although the disconnect between him and his emotions in his memories are still present.

He still has the ability to imagine things. That's simple enough. Imagination is easy, but he doesn't feel anything when he does. Nothing like the memories that float through his mind, his time he spent playing Vanguard with all of those friends of his.

The friends he wants to see again.

Xicaih ceases his shuffling and stashes his deck away in his cloak, looking downward in thought as he continues sitting at his desk..

He wants to see them again, but he doesn't have a heart. Can he truly call himself their friend if he doesn't have a heart? If he doesn't have the ability to feel like they do?

That disconnect is all but palpable between humans and Nobodies, he knows this. For him to truly be with anyone, he needs a heart.

Xicaih wants a heart. 

Being without a heart sort of makes him think of something that seems unpleasant in his memories. A time when he seemed almost similar to now... A time he seemed this empty.

A time without Vanguard and without those friends.

He remembers thinking he never wanted to go back to that, and he thinks he doesn't want to go back to that even now. Even though he doesn't have a heart, loneliness isn't something he likes the idea of.

It wasn't unpleasant like it was then, but it's certainly something he doesn't want. He wants to be around friends. He wants to play Vanguard. He wants for it to mean something, like it used to… but it seems like he needs a heart for that.

Or at least he thinks so? Hearts and what they do seem to be a far away image… He remembers things from when he had one, but that disconnect is still so strong… Just what is a Nobody supposed to do when they want to feel, and yet they can't?

What are they supposed to do when they want what they had, and yet they think they can't go back?

Xicaih stands from his seat, walking towards the window. He looks towards the sky, lost in his thoughts. How strange is it that he thinks like this? Do other Nobodies think like this? He doesn't tell anyone else his thoughts like this… It's always been in his nature to be quiet about this kind of thing, he thinks.

...Yeah, things that he considered ‘troublesome’ to others he always kept to himself. He does remember that very clearly. He still does that. He's never liked troubling others…  It's best just to hide behind smiles, he thinks.

Truth be told, Xicaih finds himself musing on these things a lot. Perhaps you could say he ‘misses’ his old life, before he lost his heart. That's not possible though… You need a heart to truly miss something, right?

Xicaih raises his hand to where his heart should be once more. He does that a lot, too. It's like he keeps expecting it to be there. How silly of him, right?

He cracks a small smile with a light chuckle, seeing as it is rather silly to keep putting his hand there. There's no heart there. To do the gesture should mean nothing, and yet he still does it…

…

His smile fades, replaced by a more level expression. He's uncertain of what he should really be ‘feeling’ at the moment, honestly… When he's alone, he doesn't really bother to keep up the fake smiles… He just… wears a natural expression.

Although… Why does he feel a frown all of a sudden? He shouldn't be frowning… It'd mean he's not happy, right? If he had a heart, that is…

Xicaih shakes his head, trying to get some of the thoughts out of his head. He shouldn't be thinking like this… He needs to focus on getting a heart, right? He's not sure what he needs to do, but maybe he'll find out soon…

To gain a heart… That'll give Xicaih a real purpose and life, right? Instead of this emptiness he feels right now.

“...I wonder what Kai would say about me…” Xicaih mumbles to himself, thinking back to his once best friend. After all, Xicaih is no longer the boy he once was… So they're no longer the good friends they were.

Even if Xicaih would like it if they were.

...It's no good… That's an image that just won't come to mind…