03-26-2021, 04:15:52 AM
TROUBLE CUBE HUNGER GAMES SIMULATOR
SEASON 1
We fade in on a shot of what looks like some kind of warehouse. It gives off a carefully constructed air of decay; the walls have been chipped in locations chosen for maximum visibility, paint has been applied in a purposely slapdash manner, the lights are haphazardly arranged to cast the room in alternating hollow yellow tones and deep shadow. Seated on an off-white circular couch in the centre of the room is a figure in a long, dark, ragged cloak, the light glinting off of his metal gloves, boots and gas mask. He looks up as though startled by the realisation a camera is there, and speaks, with a heavily filtered yet surprisingly emotive voice.
Oh, hello! We're on air already? Time, eh? The great infiltrator. It creeps up on you, subtle and unnoticed, until suddenly... you are dead by its hand.
But it's not me dying today. I hope. No, no, no - today, death comes for fifty-one out of fifty-two unfortunate tributes. Yes, that's right! After countless silly human units of time spent finagling for the rights with the subconscious astral branch of the Suzanne Collins estate, Julia Set Entertainment is at last ready to present to you... The Hunger Games Simulator! We've been planning this one for a long time. After all, everyone loves a good blood sport. And I, Erdös, have the honour of being its first ever host! Now, sit back. Relax. Enjoy. And may the odds be ever in your favour.
...we did get the rights to that line, yes? We did? Excellent.
Our first fifty-two tributes. Only one can be the first ever winner.
It begins.
THE BLOODBATH
DAY ONE
- And the cameras focus first off on... a dog! Literally just a dog. I don't know where it came from, either, but management say it's a tribute. I'll take their word for it. It's going fishing with the cast of that one indie game about insects. No, no, no, not that one, the other one. The one that isn't a morbidly depressing experience.
- More animals! A camel. A toy one. His very name mocks a physical deformity he had no control over. Which must be pretty awful. Anyway, he's gathering water. Canteens of it. How does he carry them? Does a stuffed camel even need to drink? Psh, pointless questions. I'll be interested once he's carrying a weapon, myself.
- Deltarune! It's great, trust me. But management says we're going on air at a point in time when the full game isn't out, so I have to keep my mouth shut. Bah. Anyhow, its protagonists, another collective tribute, all choose the FLEE option. Cowards.
- Grand Theft Auto V! Which I don't believe is the fifth one. It's the... eighth? Ninth? Whatever. Confusion abounds. Curse you, Rockstar. Lamar Davis, notable to players of that game as the most spectacularly unhelpful "ally" ever, has the good sense to run away from Bloodbath, at least.
- Fire Emblem! I freely admit to having no familiarity whatsoever with this franchise. The emblem when it catches fire, I don't know I never played the game. At least Marianne didn't do anything I might need to meaningfully comment on.
- The latest Smash Brothers fighters! And they were originally in Xenoblade Chronicles 2, but nobody remembers that any more! Beating up Sephiroth as Luigi is far more important! Anyhow, they are fighting as two distinct entities, despite the fact that they are the same person at root? An oddity. Yes, yes, yes. But things are strange by default out here. Questions are answered only with further questions. Don't bother asking.
- CATS! He wished to be remembered as the spacefaring tyrant who brought the galaxy to its knees! All he's remembered as in the end is someone who couldn't speak properly. All of our Cornucopias are belong to him.
- Finally, combat! In the red corner! Cecil Terwilliger! Brother of "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger! Better at being Sideshow Bob, than Sideshow Bob! In the other corner, which is also red, because that's the colour of the soil near the Cornucopia! Natural? Stained with blood? Even I don't know! It is a mystery for the ages! Anyway, in that corner is Toriel, adoptive mother to the entire player base of Undertale! Cecil goes in assuming this'll be a cakewalk... but he clearly didn't account for Goat Mom's fire magic! Look, off he runs! Like a fucking sissy.
- Oh, boo. Our next gathering of many tributes in one place ends peacefully with mutual trust. Boring. More blood. The viewers pay for blood.
- YES, YES, YES! I ask, and the Arena obliges! Henry Stickmin, stick man, protagonist of the Henry Stickmin game series, which stars many stick men, has done as he does and FAILed miserably! Oooh, just look at that! I always wondered what the internal organs of stick figures looked like!
- Kennifer! She stars in these things called Murdergames, but does not get murdered! Defeats the point, if you ask me. I don't watch something branded as a murder game to see the contestants survive. But regardless, here she is, pulling off ambiguously supernatural acts as per usual! Unfortunately for her, the Cornucopia does not stock alcoholic beverages. Even out here, we need some semblance of standards.
- Don Karnage! The Eighties were his heyday, to my understanding. Nowadays he's lost his edge. Better at musical numbers than piracy. He seems aware he'll need all the help he can get, because off he pops with a medkit in hand. Paw? Claw? Furries. Confusing.
- BonziBuddy! The world's most beloved piece of noxious spyware, thanks to a man from Sweden! He doesn't waste time spying on our other tributes yet, though.
- Go Pico, yeah! Go Pico, oh! That's how the youthlings talk about this lad in their impenetrable foreign tongue, yes? He has somehow snatched the entirety of our Cornucopia! While still holding a microphone! And a gun! A feat of strength so impressive, common sense can only gape in awe!
- Another of those Murderverse types, remaining depressingly alive! Seriously. Either get murdered or fuck off with your false advertising. Or perhaps, now she possesses a sword, Amanda will be the one doing the murdering? Who can say? Not I!
- Noi! No, u! That was terrible even for me, I apologise. Anyway. I imagine a slab of musculature like this could dominate her rivals no problem, but she chooses to run instead. This is annoying me. I demand carnage.
- Marinette Dupain-Cheng! Otherwise known as the superheroine Ladybug! She also runs! She's also dull! Next, next, next!
- OH COME ON. A genocidal creation of mad science who exists only to violently establish his superiority to all other life, and HE JUST FUCKING RUNS. I am losing my mind. I am about to take off my mask and shove it up my ass.
- Ah! At last! Collecting weapons at least indicates intent to commit atrocities! Though, does Tamama need a lighter when he can shoot breath weapons from his mouth? I don't know! He sure thinks so, he picked one up to begin with!
- Giorno Giovanna! From that one manga everyone references all the time! His hair is Hula Hoops! He's cool in spite of that! And his Stand has swiped the Cornucopia right out of Pico's grubby little hands!
- Skid and Pump! Creations of a man whose name is Hair! Popularised by a game that somehow became enormously popular despite running on a dead game engine! They've taken a pair of sais - one sai each! They seem intent on personally ensuring their foes don't live to see the Sppoky Month!
- Loona! You. Yes, you, in the back. Stop drooling. You sicken me. She does nothing interesting. Sigh.
- First you draw a circle! Then you dot the eyes! Add a great big smile! Presto, it's a collection of circles that possibly bears a loose resemblance to Kirby! Typically he draws power from inhaling things and absorbing their abilities... but he seems to have gone for a more direct approach. Snap. Bye, Johnny Gat.
- Yoshi! Mario's other green companion! Certainly the one he seems to value more! Luigi's life sucks, by the way. This is established fact. Is this rambling to cover up the continued frustrating uninterestingness of these tributes? Why, yes, yes it is!
- Charles Calvin! Friend and associate of Henry Stickmin! He has great plans! Most of those plans involve crashing into things! Man, I've committed vehicular manslaughter too. Why don't they call me a "good boi" on the Internet? Life's so unfair. Anyway! Charles! Without a helicopter, he's going to have to make do with a sword!
- Childe! Not a child! He comes from that game where lonely basement dwellers spent their entire life savings for the chance to obtain their favourite Chinese pseudo-anime girl! He runs in fear from this realisation, as anyone should!
- Krang! A literal think tank! Gets beaten up constantly by a gang of pizza-munching turtles! Admit it. You just hummed their theme song. Your will is weak. Your mind malleable. He up and runs! Like too many others! I suffer! I suffer, I suffer!
- our bodieth douglath. every day we rot. our flesh becometh more and more broken. our bodieth douglath.
- Erdös suddenly stops talking as the camera pans to Demi the Demoness. Smash cut to his commentary booth, where he is sat, dead still. The lights in his mask's eyes have gone a searing shade of purple. He rises to his feet, and he thrusts out a hand, finger pointed accusatorily at the camera, and he delivers a single word in an inhumanly deep boom of judgement-
H O R N Y. - Then he sits back down, and his eyes return to their typical green shade. Cut back to the Arena.
- ...a-hem. Twilight Sparkle! My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be! And I still do! This microphone is the closest thing to a friend I have! Should the studious unicorn survive this bout, I might have to take some of her lessons...
- Mr. David Van Driessen! The one being in any universe with sufficient willpower not to have completely given up on the cosmic singularities of stupidity known as Beavis and Butthead! An impressive feat! Trust me when I say this ordinary hippie may be in with a chance!
- Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu! The Ultimate Yakuza! He hates people pointing out his babyface! He has annoyed me by doing nothing and running away, so... little baby! Little baby man! Baby! Little baby! LITTLE FUCKING BABY MAN.
- Nightmare! A depressingly physical entity for one with such a name. It grabs camping equipment it's far too big to fit in and heads for the hills!
- OH, YES. Four deaths in one go, babyyyyyyyyyyyy! This gruesome gaggle of video gamers has wiped out... God in the form of a 16-year-old! Satan in the form of a 16-year-old! The Ultimate Mechanic! And a plural adventurer from Square Enix's most consistent money-printing machine! That's three of our nominators completely out of the game in the space of one event, by the way! Oh! Carnage! Chaos! Calamity! It's absolutely beautful!
- Agent! Not Agent anything in particular, just... Agent! I don't know whose idea it was to reimagine Club Penguin as Danganronpa... but I'm here for it! Everything is much more exciting when there's threats to your life involved! Which is why all these tributes wussing out is so grating.
- OH COME THE FUCKING FUCK ON. YOU ARE INVINCIBLE. SAMUS ARAN HAD TO DUMP YOU IN SUPER SPACE LAVA TO GET A SCRATCH ON YOU. WHY ARE YOU RUNNING. STOP RUNNING. GOD.
- Kowalski! One of the penguins of Madagascar, from the eponymous franchise, The Penguins of Madagascar! Even though they spend much of said franchise nowhere near Madagascar! And he looks set on spending the Hunger Games being nowhere near interesting.
- Shouto Aizawa! The superhero Eraserhead! Not to be confused with the David Lynch movie, though I'm sorely tempted to cut him open like the baby if he doesn't get interesting quick.
- Life is like a hurricane! Here in... well, we're certainly not in Duckburg, but it doesn't matter! I have cursed you all! And speaking of curses, Poe de Spell here has some magnificent ones at his disposal... why are the only ones taking weapons the ones with no need for them?
- An ocarina. That's it. Just an ocarina. Not even an Ocarina of Time, just a piece of wood with holes in it. The HGS is like this, folks. Get used to it.
- Vanessa Voss! Everyone loves her! Except me. Pacifists bore me to tears.
- Last up, a Thunderdrum! One of the Dragons you learn How To Train! It is last and very much least, because it proves unable to handle the idea of the Hunger Games and offs itself with the weaponry in the Cornucopia! How unsatisfying.
DAY ONE
- Ah, the sound of music! Soothes the savage beast, or is what compels said beast to kill you, depending on your talent level. This here looks to be a very purple band. I can't tell you if that translates to good or bad music. I can't even tell you the last time I heard human music.
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh deary me! It appears a very crude eight-year-old has downloaded BonziBuddy and is making the funny monkey swear like a maniac! Fortunately, the ocarina spontaneously produces delightful tones to drown out the despicable language. Let this be a lesson to you. We've got fucking standards out here.
- What is the ideal diet for a fox? Certainly not sugar, I don't think. Who would devour pure sugar anyway? Nasty stuff. No substance to it at all. No wonder Vanessa here was doing it on the down low, this is shameful behaviour.
- Well, well, well! A remix composed of fourty-five different sources! Yoshi is either a genius or a lunatic.
- This stuffed toy apparently has veins! What else is he supposed to inject a syringe into, after all? Now I'm curious as to what his blood looks like... hm. Someone please kill him, I'm curious now.
- Management tell me this would be a good time to insert a joke about "roll to dodge mechanics". Roll to what now? When did we decide words didn't have to mean anything? I think about every word I say very carefully! You'll never catch me descending into this kind of pointless verbal diarrhoea! The point being, no, there will not be a joke about these dodgy rolls.
- And speaking of management, they've contacted me with some interesting news! Apparently Giorno here is sponsored by none other than his father, the time-stopping campire himself, Dio Brando! An interesting development, but will it help Giorno survive ZA WARUDO of the HGS?
- A little ways away, we have Poe, surreptitiously borrowing Giorno's catchphrase! Defending the helpless... is this malicious mage undergoing a change of heart, or is he simply being petty and annoying? A mystery! And that's the joy of it! These games thrive on ambiguity!
- Dammit, Cell. Particle accelerators don't come cheap. But what's this? My, my, my! It appears the reactor he damaged was one of our patented Comic Book Logic Gates! Now five other tributes have been gifted with Cell's ability to absorb the strength and abilities of others! Including some who were superpowered to begin with! The plot thickens! As does space! Because that's what dark matter is!
- Here's Amanda, thinking back on the events of the Bloodbath! She seems to think the Thunderdrum was a fool for committing suicide! Agreed there. We don't bring you here so you can take the coward's way out.
- We're going on a tribute hunt! We're going to catch absolutely nothing like the failures we are.
- And here we have perhaps the most shocking dramatic twist of the season - Pico hates My Hero Academia! Gasp! Shock! Horror! Outrage! How will our Uzi-toting hero ever survive the incoming wrath of a loosely organised gaggle of rabid Twitter stans?
- it ith the thpooky month, douglath.
- I never did understand the point of I Spy. Especially not in circumstances like these. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with A! Oh, wow, I wonder what it could possibly be!
- Another surprising revelation - a high school teacher can't do math properly! And apparently Don Karnage didn't take well to this knowledge... Van Driessen is lucky to have escaped with just a cutlass wound to his hand!
- Tea party time! Our guests - four cute critters and a vast alien monstrosity bred to kill! Isn't it so lovely when people can set aside their differences?
- Lamar has found one of our in-Arena water sources! We here at Julia Set make sure our rivers are pristine examples of natural beauty. Lamar, having only ever seen the rivers around Los Santos, clogged with enough pollution to kill a human on contact, seems enamoured of the sight.
- Exploding Kittens! A game with disappointingly little actual incineration of felines. And it is won by... the hellhound! What spectacular cosmic irony!
- ...more I Spy. Man. Two rounds of this is enough to bore even me.
- I Spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... V? Volcano! And Ribbon's approaching the torrent of molten death it spews like a champ! Good on you, little fairy girl! Good on you, good on you!
- For our last event of the day, the syringes make their return! Ice Bear is apparently a fan of purple, and that preference serves him well - now he possesses shapeshifting abilities! Now watch as he makes no good use of them whatsoever.
Our first batch of fallen tributes. How ignoble it is, to be known only as the first to die...