the riverdale thread. - Printable Version +- Trouble Cube Forums (https://troublecube.net/mybb) +-- Forum: Trouble Cube (https://troublecube.net/mybb/Forum-Trouble-Cube) +--- Forum: Misc (https://troublecube.net/mybb/Forum-Misc) +---- Forum: Alive Blogs (https://troublecube.net/mybb/Forum-Alive-Blogs) +---- Thread: the riverdale thread. (/Thread-the-riverdale-thread)

the riverdale thread. - Huney - 10-04-2021 Hello, everyone. I warned that this would happen. So I started watching Riverdale the other day, don't ask me why, I just did. And I thought, hey, why would I do this if I can't make people hurt with me? So here we are! First, some background. I know the characters of Archie, and that's about it. Apparently Afterlife with Archie is cool? Oh, and Archie Comics handled Sonic's comic, at least in the US, until Ken Penders came along and ruined everything. A Sonic crossover episode of Riverdale hasn't come out yet but I'm crossing my fingers. So NORMALLY, I'd sit down, watch an episode, and recount what I saw and how I feel immediately afterward. But here's the thing. I've seen the first episode of Riverdale three times now. One alone, one with my girlfriend, and another again just to... uhm. Well I saw it three times, that's the important part. And I don't wanna watch it four times. So for now I'm just gonna go off memory and if I fuck something up we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. With that in mind, Chapter 1: Shut Up, Veronica We open on the kid from Suite Life on Deck, here playing Jughead, explaining that he's from a town called Riverdale. He tells us that it's not like other towns, it's like Twin Peaks but boring. And it's like Twin Peaks but boring because one day Cheryl Blossom and her brother that she is way too close to Jason Blossom went boating. They hold hands, look each other in the eyes and talk like they're about to fuck? But don't worry, they don't. Jason just falls off the boat and dies, that's all. What a relief. Cut to them pulling Jason's body out of the lake, a woman named... uh. Hm. Well, ad later find out that she's the mother of Archie's best friend Betty. So Betty's mom says that she hopes Jason is burning in hell, like right in front of officers of the law. Which is definitely a normal thing to say about a teenage boy dying and not at all suspicious. A cut to the implied daughter of this mom, Betty Cooper, hanging out with. Jesus I've seen this episode three times and I can't remember his name, she's hanging out with... with, uh. Gay Guy. So she's hanging out with Gay Guy and he's like "ya know if you wanna fuck Archie you better get on it, because he might be taken soon and whatall." Then he looks out the window and there's Archie now, with his shirt off! Get used to this sight, you'll be seeing it a lot. Or I will, at any rate. So Gay Guy goes "oh fuck, he's hot now! I'm the sassy gay friend, so I'm about this!" Betty agrees. Meet Veronica. You know, Veronica? Very rich Veronica, the title of this chapter Veronica? That Veronica. She's arrived at Riverdale in this... hotel? Mansion? Place that her mom owns, I can tell that much at least. After talking with one of the very polite people working there and implying she doesn't know what hamburgers are, we cut again to Archie and Betty Okay I don't have to explain who Archie is right. You all know that already? Okay tight ANYWAY We cut to Archie and Betty at a diner, Pops's place. And here we're introduced to one of Riverdale's more interesting mysteries, that is, when does this take place? There's modern day technology, MacBooks, earbuds, all that jazz, but it's all very clearly styled after the 50s aesthetic. So is this exclusive to the town of Riverdale, is this an alternate timeline where that styling never went away a la Fallout? It's an interesting question that I don't think the writers ever actually intended to be a question. So anyway Archie and Betty are talking about... god I dunno, Norm Macdonald, when Betty decides here's where she'll ask him out. But oh here comes Veronica, demonstrating why I don't like her. You see, Veronica is a learned woman. And by a learned woman I of course mean she constantly references obscure things to sound impressive in a very frustrating way. She meets the two, talks about books and onion rings and leaves. and ohhhh my god I've wasted so much time here I gotta speed things up. Uhhh Archie is with his dad, they talk about working at his dad's company, but Archie says he's gotta focus on Football, remember this. Betty shows Veronica around school and Gay Guy comes in and goes "hey, I'm a gay person." Veronica says she's now the Blue Jasmine of the school because nobody likes her dad. and we gotta pause before continuing the speedrun I didn't add the Blue Jasmine thing. That's a real thing that her actor said with her whole mouth and everything. Think about that. A writer sat down, wrote Veronica calling herself the Blue Jasmine of this school, said "yep that's a line," then a whole other group of people said "yep that's a line," and every single person involved in this process gets paid more than you and I combined. Okay? Got the dystopia in your mind? well you're living it So after that, they're at an assembly where Cheryl Blossom remembers Jason and it's implied that Archie and his teacher Ms. Grundy fucked. And that implication then becomes stone cold fact after we watch Archie and his teacher Ms. Grundy fuck. This is what she looks like in the comic. Now Archie and Ms. Grundy who looks like that fucking is actually very important because they fucked on July 4th. Which aside from making it a very patriotic fucking, July 4th is ALSO the day Jason Blossom died. And they both heard gunshots shortly before Cheryl was found alone. Uh ohhhhhh! Veronica and Betty try out for the cheerleader team that Cheryl leads and dawg imma be real this scene doesn't matter. Veronica and Betty make the team and that's the significance here. Betty is back home dancing around when her mom finds her in a cheerleader uniform. She's not happy about it because she's a crazy person and is happy about teenagers dying. Oh also Jason dated Betty's sister and things went bad? Being straight I cannot remember the details. Betty stands up for herself and gets her to get off her back MOM. Later on, after some scenes that don't matter, they're at a party. Veronica tells Archie and Betty to ignore their tropes of jock and artist in this post-James Franco world (again, a real line that real people were paid real money to write) and they get to partying. Archie finds Ms. Grundy and says they need to talk about how they fucked on the day Jason died. She doesn't budge on that front because for some reason she doesn't want to come out about fucking one of her students, but she does at least let Archie visit her after school to discuss stuff which I guess will be important later. They then go to an after-party party at Cheryl's place where they play everyone's favorite game of non-consent, Spin the Bottle. It lands on Archie and Veronica. Well look, they don't fuck. Bit surprising but instead Veronica talks to Archie about Betty's feelings on him and how real they are. Unfortunately Betty doesn't know they aren't fucking so she runs off in tears. Veronica and Archie break apart to look for her. While Archie is looking for her, he finds the kid from Sweet Life on Deck, who's writing a novel about Jason straight ass dying and Archie's like "man I dunno isn't it kind of crass to dramatize a guy's death like that" and Jughead is like "shut up Archie." After this Archie finds Betty at her house. Because her own fucking house was his second guess as where she would be, and they talk. This is emotional. The end. Thoughts See despite how much I talked nothing really happened in this episode huh. I don't really know what to take away outside of Veronica being annoying. ... OH, I should explain the significance of the scene of Archie and his dad! See ya next time! edit: oh yeah whups I forgot the episode ends with Gay Guy finding Jason's body and he has a bullet wound in his head ok bye bye RE: the riverdale thread. - Risdio51 - 10-04-2021 This isn't Seinfeld. RE: the riverdale thread. - Whistle - 10-04-2021 This. Is. SPARTA. RE: the riverdale thread. - Caliburn - 10-05-2021 Looking forward to one of two cult leaders dressing as Evel Kneivel and trying to blast himself into space in a homemade rocket while the CIA busts his ass. ...But for now I guess we gotta put up with boring teen drama. Alas. RE: the riverdale thread. - Risdio51 - 10-07-2021 The what. RE: the riverdale thread. - Caliburn - 10-07-2021 Oh yeah there are like, two cults that try setting up shop in Riverdale at the same time in season 3. One's more of a new age thing called The Farm and the other one's an occult thing that worships a very real demonic entity known as the Gargoyle King. The guy from The Farm is the one who made his own rocket ship but that only happens in like, season 4. Again, though, that's a ways away from where we are now. RE: the riverdale thread. - Risdio51 - 10-11-2021 This show wants to be Twin Peaks so badly it's actually a little sad. RE: the riverdale thread. - Huney - 10-12-2021 regrettably, this thread is not dead. stay tuned. RE: the riverdale thread. - Phoebe - 10-30-2021 So, Phil... is it? RE: the riverdale thread. - Whistle - 11-12-2021 Dr. Phil O. Sophie.